How Do You Solve a Problem Like the Trotster?

I'm sitting here watching the Indians get pummeled (I have Fausto Carmona in all three of my fantasy leagues - 72.00 ERA and 9.00 WHIP in 1.0 inning, but I don't want to talk about that). Instead, I've been thinking about creative ways to solve the Trot Nixon problem.

You know, the Trot Nixon problem, the one the Indians don't want to admit they have. Mr. Shapiro, you know that the first step to recovery is admitting that you have a problem. When you had a Jason Davis problem, you finally admitted it. When you had a Roberto Hernandez problem, you acted on it. Mr. Shapiro, you have a Trot Nixon problem. He's 33, but his body is 52. He can't hit for power any more. He's a defensive liability in right field. He's slower than Bengie Molina after Thanksgiving dinner.

So, what can be done? Trot apparently is the toast of the clubhouse, keeping the team loose with his pie antics. Some suggestions:

• Designated Morale Officer - Trot's job is to focus entirely on keeping the team loose, without necessarily having to actually play. Keep doing the pie thing, maybe moderate a kangaroo court, karaoke night, maybe invite celebrity bowler and Bowling Hall of Famer Tom Candiotti to come to a team bowling outing. The occasional practical joke. Keep team spirits high, but as a full-time position.
• Speaking of Tom Candiotti, how about bringing the Candyman in to teach him the Trotster how to throw the knuckleball? He's a rightfielder, so you know he's got a decent arm. Bonus - he's a lefty! He could stay in the bigs for another 10 years with a knuckleball. He could be this year's Tim Laker, pitch in blowouts until he's ready.
• Replacement for Matt Underwood. Really. Underwood is terrible. Trot can't possibly be any worse.
• Emergency back-up catcher. Trot's an intelligent guy, a student of the game. He's got all the grit necessary to catch in a pinch. Whoops - forgot about those knees. You'd need to station a winch behind home plate for use between innings. Nevermind.
• Backup First Base Coach. You know how in rec-league softball, the guys take turn coaching first and third? The next time Wedge goes ballistic on an umpire and gets tossed...Well, in the event that Wedge should go ballistic on an umpire and get tossed, then everybody moves up a notch in the ladder and Trot gets to player/coach first base.
• Fungoes. You can never have too many people who can hit fungoes.
• In rec-league softball, there's that one guy who doesn't play very well but has a great attitude, runs out every ground ball hard even when he knows that it's a topper to second and he's going to get thrown out by 5 steps just because you never know what's going to happen. The guy who's really excellent at keeping the scorebook. Right now, Trot is that guy. Give him a scorebook and a mechanical pencil.
• Official Team Blogger. I'll bet the Trotster is a stitch. He could regale us with inside stories about team practical jokes and drive-by pie incidents.
• Kelly Shoppach is Paul Byrd's personal catcher. Maybe Trot can be Jason Stanford's personal right fielder.
• Designated Intelligence Officer - Trot's sole purpose during the game would be stealing the other team's signs.

Okay, that's all I have. I like Trot. I want him to do well. I just don't want to see him in right field very often because right now he's just a big black hole in the batting order and in the defense from which no light can possibly escape.